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jokearchiveV
 
Computer Haiku
How to know if you're ready to have a baby
1998 Darwin Awards
Astounding Anagrams
What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?
When you're having a bad day


Computer Haiku

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky test strings, your computer produced error messages in haiku...

Your file is quite large
and might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located, but
endless others exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course;
Of little worth is your ire;
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked;
Today it is not working:
Windows is like that.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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How to know if you're ready to have a baby

Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (if Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more songs and sing these too until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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1998 Darwin Awards

BUXTON, NC - A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

LOMPOC, CA - In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

DAHLONEGA, GA - According to police ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

SELBYBILLE, DE - Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. WINDSOR, ONTARIO - According to police, In February Daniel Kolta, 27,and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In October, a 49-year-old stockbroker, who often times "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff. DETROIT, MI - In September, a 41 year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide Sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

DARWIN AWARD WANNABES

GUTHRIE, OK - in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

LAGRANGE, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later.. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

ELIRYIA, OH - Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

ANDOVER TOWNSHIP, NJ - Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a..m.,the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

BETULIA, COLOMBIA - In an annual festival in November which Includes five days of amateur bullfighting, no bull was killed, but dozens Of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one who Was Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a Town of] a thousand morons."

AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it, " she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump,tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating Three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night; there's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located. --

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Astounding Anagrams
An anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding:

DormitoryDirty Room
DesperationA Rope Ends It
The Morse CodeHere Come Dots
Slot MachinesCash Lost in 'em
AnimosityIs No Amity
Snooze AlarmsAlas! No More Z's
Alec GuinnessGenuine Class
SemolinaIs No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal PointI'm a Dot in Place
The EarthquakesThat Queer Shake
Eleven plus twoTwelve plus one
ContradictionAccord not in it
EvangelistEvil's Agent
Mother-in-lawWoman Hitler

From Shakespeare's Hamlet:

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians:

George Herbert Walker BushHuge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George BushHe bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson ReaganA long-insane Warlord
Ronald ReaganA darn long era
Leroy Newton GingrichYon Right-winger Clone
Margaret ThatcherThat great charmer
The Conservative PartyTeacher in vast poverty

And a famous quote:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

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What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?

GM, Ford or Chrysler don't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers---- but imagine if they did...

HELPLINE: "GM helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened?"
HELPLINE: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
CUSTOMER: What's an ignition?
HELPLINE: It's a starter motor that draws current from you battery and turns over the engine.
CUSTOMER: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car??!!

HELPLINE: Chrysler Helpline, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: My car ran for a week and now it won't go anywhere?
HELPLINE: Is the gas tank empty?
CUSTOMER: Huh? How do I know?
HELPLINE:There's a little gauge on the front panel, it has a needle and markings that go from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
CUSTOMER: It's pointing to 'E', what does that mean?
HELPLINE: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to do it for you.
CUSTOMER: What!!!??? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components??!! I want a car that comes with everything built in!!

HELPLINE: Ford Helpline, how may I help you?
CUSTOMER: Your car stinks!
HELPLINE: What's wrong?
CUSTOMER: It crashed, that's what went wrong!
HELPLINE: What were you doing?
CUSTOMER: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed --- and now it won't start!
HELPLINE: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
CUSTOMER:I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!

HELPLINE: GM helpline, how may I help you?
CUSTOMER: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering and brakes and power door locks.
HELPLINE: Thanks for buying our car, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: How do I work it?
HELPLINE: Do you know how to drive?
CUSTOMER: Do I know how to what?

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When you're having a bad day

Part I ...

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-XXXX.

Part II ...

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-XXXX and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at XXXX West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.."

He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?"

"XXXX West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at XXXX West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

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