jokearchiveIII
Truly Useless But Rather Interesting Factoids
Car Names and their Meaning
Why did the Chicken cross the Road? (programmers only)
The top 39 things you'd never hear a Southerner say...
America's Attic
Personal Hygiene, Southern Style
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
Things to Ponder...
Juan the Smuggler
Truly Useless But Rather Interesting Factoids
- The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
- The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train chugging under a car driving under an airplane.
- Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10.
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
- David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
- Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
- In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
- Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 31-17-23.
- February 1865 was the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
- Montpelier, Vermont, is the only U.S. State capital without a McDonalds.
- The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the State of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month.
- The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
- There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
- Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
- Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City after the Catholic Church.
- Cat's urine glows under a black light.
- Back in the mid to late 1980's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100 percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
- The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
- It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
- In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
- Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
- The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
- Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
- If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
- The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
- Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
- No NFL team that plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
- The first toilet ever seen on television was shown on "Leave It To Beaver."
- The great fire of London in 1666 burnt down half of the city of London; however, only 6 people were injured.
- Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
- One reason marijuana is illegal today can be attributed to cotton growers who, in the 1930s, lobbied against hemp farmers because they saw pot as competition.
- The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) -- the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
- Only 1 person in 2 billion will live to be 116 or older.
- The name "Wendy" was created for the book Peter Pan.
Car Names and their Meaning
- AUDI
- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
- BMW
- Big Money Works
- Bought My Wife
- Brutal Money Waster
- Break My Window
- BUICK
- Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
- CHEVROLET
- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
- Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
- DODGE
- Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
- FIAT
- Failed Italian Automotive Technology
- Fix it again, Tony!
- FORD
- Frigin Old Rebuilt Dodge
- Fix Or Repair Daily
- Found On Road Dead
- Fast Only Rolling Downhill
- GM
- General Maintenance
- Great Mistake
- GMC
- Garage Man's Companion
- Gotta Mechanic Coming?
- HONDA
- Had One Never Did Again
- HYUNDAI
- Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
- MAZDA
- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
- OLDSMOBILE:
- Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
- SAAB
- Send Another Automobile Back
- Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
- TOYOTA
- Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
- VOLVO
- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
- VW
- Virtually Worthless
Why did the Chicken cross the Road? (programmers only)
- Assembler Chicken:
- First, it builds the road ...
- C Chicken:
- It crosses the road without looking both ways.
- C++ Chicken:
- The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road; you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
- COBOL Chicken:
- 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
- IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
- THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
- VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
- ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
- ELSE
- GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
- Cray Chicken:
- Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
- Delphi Chicken:
- The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
- G3 300 MHZ Chicken:
- It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken.
- Gopher Chicken:
- Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
- Intel Pentium Chicken:
- The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.
- Iomega Chicken:
- The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
- Java Chicken:
- If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side (those are refered to as chicklets).
- Lotus Chicken:
- Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do.
- Mac Chicken:
- No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
- Microsoft Chicken (TM):
- It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
- Newton Chicken:
- Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.
- NT Chicken:
- Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
- OOP Chicken:
- It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
- OS/2 Chicken:
- It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
- OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken:
- It had much more free space to cross.
- Quantum Logic Chicken:
- The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
- VB Chicken:
- USHighways! (aChicken)
- Web Chicken:
- Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
- Windows 95 Chicken:
- You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
- Windows 98 Chicken:
- It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.
The top 39 things you'd never hear a Southerner say...
39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
38. "Duct tape won't fix that."
37. "Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael."
36. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
35. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
34. "Has anybody seen my sideburn trimmer?"
33. "You can't feed that to the dog."
32. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
31. "No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe."
30. "Wrasslin's fake."
29. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
28. "We're vegetarians."
27. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
26. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
25. "Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?"
24. "Who's Richard Petty?"
23. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
22. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
21. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
20. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
18. "Cappuccino tastes better that espresso."
17. "The tires on that truck are too big."
16. "I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad."
15. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
14. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
13. "Would you like you fish poached or broiled?"
12. "My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's."
11. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
10. "Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams."
9. "Checkmate."
8. "She's too old to be wearing a bikini."
7. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
6. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
5. "I don't have a favorite college team."
4. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
3. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
2. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
1. "Elvis who?"
America's Attic
The story behind the letter below is that there is an individual in
Newport, RI, who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds
to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names and
insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists
and does this in his spare time! Anyway, here's an actual response from the
Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are
challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation, in writing.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We
have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive
proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years
ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes
to be "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who
are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number
of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its
modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.
The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the
common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much
detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956
AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly,
we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I,
for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but
was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was
hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem
to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has
reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site
you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to
pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur
you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Personal Hygiene, Southern Style
PERSONAL HYGIENE
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
- Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner sociopath.
- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
- Joan of Arc heard voices too.
- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Things to Ponder...
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Juan the Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, buddy," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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