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The 1997 Darwin Award competition
Rejected Theme Songs
MicroSoft TV Dinner
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
Nerd Season
The World's Easiest Quiz
Employer Talk
Warranty Card
Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT
How to Write Good

The 1997 Darwin Award competition
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Note there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997 -- it's no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners:

5th runner-up:
A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th Runner-up:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store-paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd Runner-up:
To poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd Runner-up:
Man loses face at party. A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off". "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that". Payne said.

1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a man's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 mph.

This year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Gorge, Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body, and now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3-inches. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

Top 15 Rejected Theme Songs for the Movie "Titanic"

Ironic
Under The Sea
Dancing on the Ceiling
Ice Ice Baby
FreeBerg
Smoke on the Water
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall... the Floor... the Ceiling...the Other Wall...
MmmBerg
Candle In The Water, 1912 ("Goodbye, English boat...")
When I'm Sixty-Four (Farenheit)
Hey, You, Get Offa My Raft
Achy Breaky Hull
Jump
Whoomp, There it Is!

The MicroSoft TV Dinner

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft's rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//.

Then:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy/|\yum yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure.

Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

/ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.crud/.

This process may need to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Warranty: The Microsoft TV Dinner is fully covered under the Microsoft 30/30 Warranty for defects in materials and workmanship. The 30/30 Warranty stands for 30 feet or 30 seconds. If you product is out of warranty, you may still receive support through our 1-900-WELL-GET-OUR-MONEY-OUT-OF-YOU-MORE-THAN-ONCE. A nominal charge of $19.95 per minute is attached to your phone bill. The phone line may be busy, therefore you may have to sit on hold for several hours. Thank you for waiting.

Technical Support: Please see "Warranty" information.

Final Note: Please be aware that there are illegal copies of the Microsoft TV Dinners. If your Microsoft TV Dinner does not have the Microsoft TV Dinner Hologram, it is a fake. Also, if your 112 digit key does not open up your Microsoft TV Dinner, it is a fake. Please report all pirated Microsoft TV Dinners to 1-800-WHO-CARES or 1-800-MS-CARES.

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A bad German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

Nerd Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers down I-35 stops at the Rundburg exit for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over populating Austin, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the frontage road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

The World's Easiest Quiz

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Answers...

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fir.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Employer Talk

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in heck we'll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We love brown-nosers.

Warranty Card

                      McDonnell Douglas Corp.
                Aircraft - Space Systems - Missiles

                      IMPORTANT!  IMPORTANT!

                Please fill out and mail this card 
                   within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments 
to fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the 
survey questions is not required, but the information will help us 
to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.  [ ] Mr.  [ ] Mrs.  [ ] Ms.  [ ] Miss
    [ ] Colonel        [ ] General
    [ ] Comrade        [ ] Other

    First Name __________  Initial __  Last Name __________
    Latitude ____________  Longitude ____________
    Altitude ____________  Password, Code Name, etc. ____________

2.  Which model did you purchase?

    [ ] F-14 Tomcat   [ ] F-15 Eagle    [ ] F-16 Falcon
    [ ] F/A-18 Hornet [ ] F-117 Nighthawk

3.  Date of Purchase:  Month __  Day __  Year __

4.  Serial Number ____________________

5.  Please check where this product was purchased:

    [ ] Received as a Gift/Aid Package
    [ ] Catalog Showroom
    [ ] Sleazy Arms Broker
    [ ] Mail Order
    [ ] Discount Store
    [ ] Classified Information

6.  Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas 
    product you have just purchased:

    [ ] Heard Loud Noise; Looked Up
    [ ] Store Display
    [ ] Espionage
    [ ] Plastic Model in Hobby Store
    [ ] Encountered in Combat
    [ ] Recommended by Friend/Relative
    [ ] Political Lobbying by Manufacturer
    [ ] Landed in my: __ living room   __ bedroom   __ pool

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your 
    purchase of this McDonnell Douglas product: 

    [ ] Style/Appearance
    [ ] Kickback/Bribe
    [ ] Recommended by Salesperson
    [ ] Speed/Maneuverability
    [ ] Comfort/Convenience
    [ ] McDonnell Douglas Reputation
    [ ] Advanced Weapon Systems
    [ ] Price/Value
    [ ] Back Room Politics
    [ ] Other

8.  Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

    [ ] North America
    [ ] Europe
    [ ] Central/South America
    [ ] Middle East
    [ ] Africa
    [ ] Asia/Far East
    [ ] Misc. Third-World Countries
    [ ] Aircraft Carrier
    [ ] (Top Secret)
    [ ] Other


9.  Please check the products that you currently own or plan to 
    purchase:
                                       Plan
      Product               Own     to Purchase
      Color TV              [ ]         [ ]
      VCR                   [ ]         [ ]
      ICBM                  [ ]         [ ]
      Killer Satellite      [ ]         [ ]
      CD Player             [ ]         [ ]
      Air-to-Air Missiles   [ ]         [ ]
      Space Shuttle         [ ]         [ ]
      Home Computer         [ ]         [ ]
      Nuclear Weapon        [ ]         [ ]

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  
    Check all that apply:

    [ ] Communist/Socialist
    [ ] Dictatorship
    [ ] Terrorist
    [ ] Crazed (Islamic)
    [ ] Crazed (Other)
    [ ] Corrupt (Latin American)
    [ ] Corrupt (Other)
    [ ] Neutral
    [ ] Primitive/Tribal
    [ ] Democratic

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

    [ ] Cash
    [ ] Personal Check
    [ ] Suitcases of Cocaine
    [ ] Credit Card
    [ ] Oil Revenues
    [ ] Ransom Money
    [ ] Deficit Spending
    [ ] Traveler's Check

12. Occupation                You   Your Spouse
    Homemaker                 [ ]      [ ]
    Sales/Marketing           [ ]      [ ]
    Revolutionary             [ ]      [ ]
    Clerical                  [ ]      [ ]
    Mercenary                 [ ]      [ ]
    Tyrant                    [ ]      [ ]
    Middle Management         [ ]      [ ]
    Eccentric Billionaire     [ ]      [ ]
    Defense Minister/General  [ ]      [ ]
    Retired                   [ ]      [ ]
    Student                   [ ]      [ ]

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please 
    indicate the interests and activities in which you or your 
    spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

    [ ] Golf
    [ ] Boating/Sailing
    [ ] Sabotage
    [ ] Running/Jogging
    [ ] Propaganda
    [ ] Destabilization/Overthrow
    [ ] Defaulting on Loans
    [ ] Gardening
    [ ] Crafts
    [ ] Black Market/Smuggling
    [ ] Collectibles/Collections
    [ ] Watching Sports on TV
    [ ] Wines
    [ ] Interrogation/Torture
    [ ] Household Pets
    [ ] Crushing Rebellions
    [ ] Espionage/Reconnaissance
    [ ] Fashion/Clothing
    [ ] Border Disputes

Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT

"Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen."

How to Write Good
(reprinted without permission from somewhere)

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

... And then there was the story of the computer repairman who swallowed over a half dozen memory modules, then died. They were the seven deadly SIMMS. -- PC Magazine